Yesterday I turned 23... The date didn't mean that much to me...

'yesterday i turned 23 / the date didn't mean that much to me...'

ah, birthdays. they used to be such a big deal. or at least i remember them being a bigger deal than the ones of late.

i think 21 was the last 'birthday' i really had - one that i felt the need to gather friends for. 22 turned into a 'i don't care; are you going to be around? if so, maybe we should get a drink' day. 23, on march 18, went something like: wake up at 515. laugh when a student shouts 'happy birthday!' in the hallway. laugh again when the first line of the happy birthday song are sung before the morning announcements and trail off. leave school at 315, go to dinner at 5, go to bed at 8. it didn't even feel like a day unlike any other, really.

when i was little, i used to love writing stories. they were usually about real things - none of that fantasy crap. i'd write about people doing normal things, and the people were almost always, without fail, age 23. for some reason, when i was younger, i thought 23 was the perfect age. it was the age i couldn't wait to be. i figured that's when life started for everyone.

it's not true, and i still feel like some of the seniors i teach, only with slightly more life experience. i feel as though i still need a lot of the things i needed then, i still eat the same things, laugh at most of the same things plus some, love some of the same things, like the same genre of books and movies... i don't know. i guess i'm waiting to wake up one day and all of sudden realize i'm a grown up. i assume this will happen in approximately two years... once i find a job, get the hell out of my house, and start paying some bills. we'll see.

i have been daydreaming lately about getting out of dodge. my grandma left me an inheritance that is more than a starting teacher will make in a year, and i have been wondering how i could grab some of that and run away, not to be heard from for months.

i think i would miss some people, but i also think it wouldn't be something i'd ever regret. "hi, mom? yeah, i flew to [insert foreign, exotic, exciting country here] on sunday. not sure when i'll be home, but it's beautiful here." sigh.

in theory i'm supposed to be looking for a job. i should have been applying a month ago, and have been putting it off for as long as possible. mostly because i've been far too busy catching up on lesson plans, but also because i just can't imagine growing up and having a real life by myself. the thought freaks me out.

i also internally hyperventilate about the interviewing process. i'm fairly certain i'm going to be horrible at it, considering i have never in my life interviewed for any of the jobs i've had since i've been 16 years old. what if noone hires me? what if i get hired and then fired because i do a lousy job? teaching is hard - there is a strong possibility that if someone is silly enough to hire me that i blow it. fjkdla;jl

what happened to freaking out about not handing in a science worksheet in middle school? or getting a saturday detention in high school? or even staying up all night in college to half-ass a paper on quilting? [true story. that english class sucked.] it seemed like such a big deal! now i crave worrying about such trivial things.

idk. maybe 24 will find me in a new job, with a semi-grown-up life, and almost content. i will be anxiously awaiting the day.